(published in the March print edition of Groove magazine)

“How I spend my time depends a great deal on where I’m living, the opportunities available and what stage of the relocation process I’m in. In the early days of living in a new place, it can take all day to complete simple tasks but as time goes on and as experience kicks in, there is more time to explore the culture and community. At various times, I’ve studied, had a full-time job, worked from home, volunteered for school and community organizations… It’s really the same sort of life as everyone else with an environment that changes every 2 to 5 years.”

Julia, mother of two and wife of an expat whose work has taken his family to four countries over the past 15 years, sums up how an expat wife and mom adjusts and spends her time while her husband and children are at work and school, respectively.

Expatriate Living

An expatriate, more regularly known as an expat, is someone who leaves their home country to live in another for work. An expat may be moved to a new host country by a local conglomerate, multinational company, embassy, government organization, or international non-government organization, while the military, educational institutions, and news organizations will also post employees overseas for closer ties, partnerships, and access to information. The number of these organizations moving workers around the globe has increased as the world has become more connected.

The posting of expats requires a lifestyle change. Unmarried expats have fewer issues to contend with than married expats, who generally have a number of things to organize before plunging into the life that of a country transient. These considerations involve uprooting their families and taking them into unfamiliar territory, their spouse’s career, their children’s education, and the distance from family and friends, among other things. To compensate for this disruption, expats more often receive higher salaries and more benefits than local employees, including allowances and other perks such as housing and education at international schools for their children.

Because the total package is designed to benefit the expat and their family, expat living has become attractive to those who are qualified and adventurous enough to experience another culture and re-start their family routine every three to five years, depending on the expat’s contract.

The Expat Wife

Undeniably, expat living has a lot of perks for the family members of the expat. But while the expat is busy with work, especially the long hours and traveling that most expat positions require, their spouse serves as the anchor, especially during the early days and months of their relocation. The spouses who travel with their partners, known as “the trailing spouse”, have stories to tell. These are not just the stories of countries they’ve travelled to and lived in. Their individual stories all start from how they ended up in the country their spouse was posted in. II spoke to nine women – Julia, Ingrid, Emi, Elena, Udeni, Robin, Souji, Marjohry, and Gail – who generously shared their lives as expat wives. They come from Australia, Philippines, Japan, Sri Lanka, Mexico, USA, India, UK and Canada. They, except Gail whose family has moved again, are all currently living here in South Korea for one reason: their husband’s work.

South Korea is not the first country their husbands have been posted in, nor will it be the last. These nine women have collectively lived in Belgium, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand, the US, the Netherlands, Germany, France, China, Portugal, Poland, Turkey, Spain, Hong Kong, the UK, and Japan. They’ve collected furniture, precious home decor, fabrics, valuable items, friends, and unforgettable memories.

They have also given up proximity to family and friends, the comforts of home, and their individual careers.

What keeps them busy?

South Korea, like most countries, does not allow the trailing spouse to work. Their visa is attached to their expat partners. So, what do these women do while their husbands and children are busy with work and school?

Volunteering tops the list. Their children’s school keeps them busy with volunteer work. Souji has volunteered her time with her sons’ school library, sports clubs and parents’ association. This has kept her busy in all of the three continents, four countries, and five cities she has lived in since embarking on expat life with her family. Church, homes for the disabled, the elderly and homeless shelters have become avenues for some of them to pour their energy into. At these places, they find fellow expat wives that become their friends since they have already something in common.

Emi studied Korean and is now able to carry a conversation using the language. Being the most recent to arrive, Elena plans to learn the language as well. Seoul offers a lot of opportunities for expats to learn its culture. There are many activities and programs that are enticing for foreigners.  For example, the Seoul Global Center has art and craft classes that showcase Korean arts, cooking classes featuring Korean cuisine, and guided tours.

Ingrid has discovered an eye for photography and tells her stories through her photos. Each season unfolds through the lens of her camera and her friends have come to enjoy the narratives of her mountain trails and city walks.

Similarly, Gail has seen some astonishing views from the top of Korea’s mountains from hiking. She has learned to push herself harder towards every mountain top she conquered. She ended her three years in Seoul as a hiking leader, a long way from being a non-hiker prior to living here in Seoul.

Robin’s story is inspiring. She knew she could not legally work here. Like every expat wife who’s new to the country, she was worried about isolation and boredom. But she didn’t let this apprehension hinder her from meeting people and establishing herself as a leader in the expat community:

“I got involved almost right after we arrived, volunteering for the Seoul International Women’s Association (SIWA). I started as the Newsletter Manager and later became the Vice President of Brand Communications (for 2 years) and am currently serving as President. It has been an amazing way to make friends, challenge myself and do something that gives back to my host nation of Korea.”

She has only been living in Seoul for around 3 years but she has become adjusted and is thoroughly enjoying her family’s stay here.

What are the challenges they face as a trailing spouse?

Cultural differences cannot be taken lightly but these women carried with them an optimism that overcame any form of cultural prejudice.

Emi acknowledges that “It’s been challenging learning how to adapt to Korean culture at times, and to accept the way things are done here while also keeping my own sense of self.” Emi’s Korean language skills have greatly helped her in adapting to the Korean culture. She is now a big fan of Korean movies, music, and Korean food!

Ingrid sees both the advantages and disadvantages of raising a family in a culturally diverse environment, but she wisely looks at it and ponders, “I learned that not everything will go as planned and this keeps me on my toes. We learn to value what is important. We learn to adapt and be resilient. We learn to respect and be sensitive to the people around us. We learn to live simply and with appreciation.”

The thought of not knowing how long they will stay and what country will be next is Souji’s biggest challenge. When it is decided, her next challenge is getting her son ready for another move. The constant moving has defined their family life for the past 20 years. This isn’t uncommon among expat families, but this doesn’t make it any easier. Souji wishes for a little bit of stability now that her son is in high school.

Elena has just moved to Seoul from Amsterdam, so she is still in the early days of the relocation process. It brings back the cycle of adjustment that she had to do during her family’s move from Germany to Belgium, to China, to Paris, and to the Netherlands. “Just when I have ‘my structure’, when I know all the places, when I have met nice friends, then I have to say goodbye and start again in a new location. That is also very interesting but sometimes it is tiring, and frustrating especially for my son, to make new friends and join a new school.”

Marjohry has lost track of the countless times she has to re-establish her family in a new country, but experience has taught her that “it eventually gets better when one learns more about the country and the people.”

Julia accepts it is difficult to maintain relationships with family and friends, both from home and those whose friendship one has “collected” during their expat journey.  But you can’t just allow relationships to fade away. She advises, “Visit people whenever you can, wherever you are. Over time, friends will be scattered over the globe so if there’s a chance to catch up; do it! Social networking helps.”

Udeni makes sure that she speaks to her and her husband’s family so they remain updated on each other’s lives. This is a conscious effort on her part so no one gets left out. But Udeni has a concern that is perhaps shared by every expat family: “the difficulty in providing roots for my child.” Children borne to this lifestyle create their own culture, different from the culture of all the countries their parents have taken them to. Expat living differentiates expat kids due to their lifestyle: they have become Third Culture Kids.

Coping with the Challenges of Expat Living

These women’s experiences make them the best sources for future expat wives and for those who are struggling with the challenges of expat living. Collectively, they give these pointers:

• Reach out. There are many organizations where you can get involved and make friends. Join community groups both offline and online. These are good sources that can possibly make your resettlement process progress faster.
• Meet fellow expats. Expats are in the same situation, so they know your needs. You are all away from your families and it is easier to bond since you understand being away from family.
• Make friends with the locals. Locals are your best guide into their country. Their perspective might change your view and enlighten some of your biases.
• Go with the flow. Be open to opportunities. As an expat wife, you may not be allowed to work, but nothing can deter you from doing volunteer work. Volunteering gives you a wealth of experience and insight. 
• Explore your host country. Korea has a beautiful landscape and has the safest and most convenient subway system in the world. This makes it easy to explore the city and the countryside. Seeing and discovering beautiful things and places are essential to your happiness and contentment.

Don’t lose track of your own identity. Don’t forget to remind yourself and teach your children about your own values and culture. This will keep you grounded and make you feel you belong.

Elena is just starting her new life here in Seoul. She had been busy reaching out and has been proactively seeking people she can connect with. The other women have settled well and have found things they are happy doing. Souji has long accepted that there is nothing more constant and consistent than change so this makes her ready for the constant movement in her life. Robin is leading the largest women’s expat organization. Gail has left Korea for Canada after 3 years of incredible discovery of Korea’s mountain trails, skiing slopes, charming alleyways, and interesting museums. She misses the friendships she’s made but is grateful for the meaningful moments she’s had. All nine of them – theirs is an inspiring collective story of women who, as expat wives, have settled into and become truly appreciative of this chapter in their expat life.

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