published in the June 2019 printed issue of Groove Magazine

Mie and Ingvild came out of their daughters’ room, satisfied they’ve tucked them to bed. It was just 7:30 in the evening, when most families in Seoul have barely just had everyone return home. “It’s a European thing, you know. We let our children sleep early,” Mie sheepishly explained.

Mie and Ingvild are parents to Elea and Runa, smart and talented girls who have seamlessly transitioned from their life in Indonesia to South Korea. Both girls have friends always surrounding them at school and in the playground. They have immersed themselves comfortably into their new milieu, confidently embracing their new school and new friends. “I am lucky I have two moms,” wrote Elea in one of her papers posted alongside other students’ work outside her classroom.

Over a bottle of wine, Mie and Ingvild started reminiscing about how they became a couple back in Indonesia. Mie settled in first in 1995, establishing a social enterprise dealing with sustainable tourism, employing locals, mostly women. Oftentimes comical, her demeanor is a big contrast to her passion for the arts, the environment, and women empowerment. Ingvild was a graduate student from the University of Oslo when she came to Jogyakarata for research work in 2000. They met and it wasn’t a hard decision to go back and settle in Indonesia. The rest could have been a regular story of two women living together, defying the norms not just of society but of their respective families. In this day and age, who hasn’t heard of two women in a relationship?

Until they decided to have babies.

Between the two, Mie’s yearning for a baby was stronger. Ingvild, whose family found it hard to even imagine her as a mother, was content not to have any. As Mie admits, it may have taken years of persistence on her part, but they eventually decided to become parents. Biological parents, even… at least for one of them.

With more glasses of wine consumed and laughter over this couple’s funny anecdotes, I got a good glimpse of how they made biological parenting possible. Although it was Mie who longed for a baby, age was on Ingvild’s side. Thus, Ingvild became a biological mom to Elea, their firstborn. The couple happily changed nappies and enjoyed parenting and motherhood. The biological dad is a good friend of the couple who was happy to share his genes without causing any complications.

But when he was approached to be a biological dad for the second time, the couple laughed at the memory of his reaction. He had to go in hiding and contemplate this additional proposal. But, as it turns out, Mie and Ingvild did have their second baby with the same biological father two years after their firstborn was born.

Their modern family is complete. Legally married to each other in their respective countries, Belgium and Norway, the children both hold dual citizenship while living in Indonesia.

At a time when the couple contemplated raising their family in another place, Ingvild had the opportunity to work in South Korea with an open-minded and accepting organization.

VISA ISSUES

Although legally married and supported by the organization Ingvild is employed by, Mie is not recognized by Korean immigration as a legal spouse, thus, she is not afforded the visa intended for a spouse. Instead, immigration granted her aVisiting Family Visa.  But the couple are quick to add, this is not a clear law under Korean immigration. They know of another lesbian couple whose non-working spouse was recognized by immigration as a legal spouse. This is a scenario that may open up more discussion and may take some time to clearly regulate. Suffice to say, Mie continues to run her business in Indonesia from their home here in Seoul. The proximity of the two countries make it possible for her to divide her time and be present when and where it is necessary.

Family Life

Indonesia is a conservative country. So is South Korea. What allows this modern family to thrive?

The couple shared how they honestly, openly, and warmly dealt with their neighbors, employees, and friends back in Indonesia. In return, they were respected as a couple and their daughters welcomed with warmth and love. They are a family, just like everyone else’s.

Elea and Runa have been exposed to different beliefs and lifestyles because the couple hopes for them to gain as much insight as they can while they are young, so they can carve their own path when the right time comes.

Their family life here in Seoul is creating more memories for them to look back on. Perhaps, an anecdote they will share with humor when they move on to another country will be their ajumma neighbor who innocuously refers to them as sisters. They laugh and respect that. They don’t impose what they are on her.

They live and let live.

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